The last time we had a year without a turkey was when my husband Tim was diagnoised with less than a year to live. Twenty 22 years ago I sat while my husband lay in his hospital bed. So frail, so quiet, his face seemed as if he was an old man in a body of a man once full of life. Tim was alway's smiling and alway's laughing. Nothing seemed to upset him. For he never seem to fear anything. He would often say if i can not see fear then I can not feel fear. I hated to see him lay there day after day. With little or no strength he was as helpless as a newborn child. Many days I would work, then carry the children from school to my mothers and then off to the hospital and off to work. I don't remember during that period of time when I slept or if I slept. I think at that point in time, I was afraid to sleep for time was precious. Christmas was the same work, no Christmas that year, I had to work Christmas into the New Year. Through out the year I pray to god each day for a miracle. Just a little hope to have my husband back with us. Once again a family, but this was not a year for miracles. Thanksgiving once again, again no turkey just the smell of a hospital tray of uneaten food. at this point my poor husband could not hold a spoon or fork. I prayed let our children not lose their father on thanksgiving. Thanksgiving passed and the days seem to pass like I was in a dream. For during these days I did not work I laid by his side. I watched him sleep peacefully and dream. So sad to watch someone you love slowing slip away day by day like a small leaf flowing in the air. Barely on top of the wind but not touching the ground. It was our wedding aniversary and he turned to me. His last words I need to leave for I am tired, I stayed as long as I could. There will be other days like this but during these times I will be there beside you. I ask only that you know I love you in my heart and in my children my love will be there still to share. You will need to understand that you will be able to accomplish in your life your dreams. But only you can do it so no time for sorrow. He told me then his mother was calling him to come home. His last words. His mother died when he was seven years old.
Today as Gary and I sat in our children doctor's office. My young son laid on a table shaking violently. Tears ran down my face from worry. Two days from Thanksgiving and learning that the next two days will be filled with repeated MRI's, CT's, EEG's and many other tests. Battling insurance companies to approve these tests. I felt fear and then at this point of time I thought of Tim. You have nothing to fear if you see no fear. I knew then that he was there as my little son's guardian angel.
What started off as a simple twitch to a jerk, to major shaking to seizures in a matter of days. Should I feel anger inside seeing my son in this condition since he fought as hard to live at only a pound at birth. I only could stare in his small eyes of brown. I remember when I first met Patrick. The snow was falling hard to the ground on April's fools day. The smallest of all the babies that surrounded him. Each day as I visited one by one the little babies around Patrick had died. Patrick the lone child of his small group. And I knew then he need to come home for this child was to be our son. Off to a rough start and our small boy fought each day as if he was in a battle. And yes he still fights and many of his small friends lost their fight to live. The life as an orphan is not a story to be wrote for happy endings for some. There are not families running to rescue these small souls in live in a home happy ever after. Many of these children will never see the outside of the gates or a bed of their very own.
Today with many tough decisions that laid ahead for Gary and I what courses of medical decisions to take. This week will be waiting to meet many specialist and test after test till we find some answers. Normally I spend this time shopping and preparing our thanksgiving meal. No turkey this year, or no homemade pumpkin pies. Not knowing what to expect when the next few days will be filled with worry but with no fear. I do not fear of what may laid ahead for we have our guardian angel watching over my little Patrick from above. I give thanks from my heart to all that I have received and pray I can only pass these on to others.
Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers
